A few weeks ago, I was talking with some folks about some of the challenges we’re facing in raising two teenaged boys. I may have mentioned this in an earlier blog, but to be honest, I’ve always been a little wary of teenagers. I went to an all-boys Catholic high school, which probably didn’t help matters. With a few exceptions, my fellow classmates seemed like aliens with strange and baffling behaviours, customs, and norms. I had one friend until the last couple of years, when it seemed like the people around me had begun to normalize (of course, I was probably no more “normal” than they were all along). Then, for many years, I never really spent any time with these alien, pubescent beings. When we started the DBT Centre, I was relieved that my friend and colleague, John, had some experience with adolescents and could see them and answer questions about them during trainings. Now that I have two of these creatures in my house, I’m sad to say I’m no less wary of them than I was over thirty years ago! In any case, as I was discussing life with teenagers, my friends and colleagues said that I was probably the best person to handle the issues we’ve been facing. On the one hand, I appreciated the vote of confidence, but on the other hand, this comment brought to light that I probably haven’t been using very many of the many skills I teach clinicians and clients.
Turning the mind, a skill we teach in DBT, involves making a commitment to yourself to practice acceptance. When you encounter a difficult, stressful, or overwhelming situation, it’s tempting to deny, ignore, avoid, or resist reality. Reality is simply too painful to look at sometimes. At the same time, the only way to deal with reality is to look at it. In DBT, we teach clients that acceptance (often called “radical acceptance”) helps us (a) reduce the suffering that comes from resisting reality, and (b) see and deal with reality as it is. Turning the mind helps us to see what we’re dealing with and commit to accept it for now so we can figure out what to do about it. When I realized I had basically forgotten to use the hundreds of coping skills that I know like the back of my hand, I sat in my favourite chair in the living room, told myself to turn my mind, and practiced radical acceptance that things are the way they are, even if I don’t want them to be. I noticed a sensation of letting go, reduced tension in my neck and back, and a sense of sadness creeping in. If you’re practicing radical acceptance, consider sadness a sign of progress. In my case, it was a welcome change from resentment and frustration. Then, I made a commitment to remind myself to use my DBT skills. If you have the DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd Edition), you might consider checking out Pages 466-468 and reading more about turning the mind. I’ll probably discuss the ups and downs of this skill in an upcoming blog.