The last blog focused on the skill of turning the mind, and in this one, I’ll discuss some key steps of this skill. Turning the mind has three key steps: (A) Noticing or observing that you’re not accepting something, (B) committing to yourself to accept reality as it is, and (C) repeating Steps A and B over and over. As for Step A, how can you tell when you’re not accepting? For me, the signs are often insidious. My normal reaction to really stressful situations or crises is to jump into what we call “reasonable mind.” For the first little while, I don’t feel much emotion at all. I view the situation logically, try to figure out what to do, do what’s needed, and try to step back and digest the whole thing before making any big decisions. Then, I basically stop thinking about it altogether. It’s only later on that the problems start to creep up on me. So, one of my signs that I’m not accepting could be jumping into reasonable mind and having no thoughts or reactions to the problem. For others, the signs might be physiological/emotional – muscle tension, changes in body temperature or heart rate, feelings of frustration or resentment, and so forth. Cognitive signs might include rumination about the problem (thinking of how awful it is and asking why it’s happening), thoughts of resentment, self-blame, and so forth. In any case, Step A involves noticing these signs, and labeling them for what they seem to be (e.g., “I’m probably not accepting this.”).
Step B involves making that internal commitment to practice accepting things the way they are (this is the step I focused on during last week’s blog). Say to yourself, “I’m going to practice accepting this problem [or these emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories, and so on].” You may or may not actually do it. That’s OK. Turning the mind just involves making that commitment to yourself. We all know that we don’t always keep all of our commitments!
There are, however, a few ways to make your commitment stronger and perhaps more likely to come to fruition. One way to do this is to consider the pros and cons of accepting the problem. Start with the cons. What would be the downsides of accepting things as they are? Are you afraid that it would be hard to do, or that if you accepted things the way they are, you’d experience more pain? Sometimes, I don’t want to accept things because there’s something in it for me to stay resentful and non accepting. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about being stuck in nonacceptance that is comfortably uncomfortable. Then, move on to the pros of accepting. Consider how you’d feel, think, or act, or how life might be different if you were to accept the problem. Acceptance won’t get rid of our pain, but it will reduce the extent to which we suffer. Acceptance might also open the door to change. If you stay stuck in nonacceptance, it can be very difficult to take productive steps to change your situation. There are, of course, many other pros, and getting in touch with them might help make your commitment to acceptance a little stronger. Next time, I’ll probably address Step C. ~ Dr. Alexander L. Chapman