Back in May, I discussed invalidation and how it can sometimes be helpful. Now, I’d like to explore the other side of the coin: When can invalidation be unhelpful? What can we do about it?
Invalidation is unhelpful or even harmful when the feedback you’re getting from someone else is overly vague, judgmental or rejecting; reflects a misunderstanding of your thoughts, feelings, or circumstances; or simply lacks evidence.
If you were working as a cook in a busy kitchen and the head chef were to say, “You’re not very good at grilling meat” how helpful is that form of feedback? Probably not too helpful if you don’t know what they mean by “not very good.” In that circumstance, it’s probably helpful to ask for clarification. Once you hear what the chef has to say, you’ll be able to tell whether it’s helpful or unhelpful feedback.
If you communicate how you feel to someone else, and they deny that you feel that way (“You can’t possibly be upset about that!”) or communicate that there’s something wrong with you for feeling that way (“You’re just too sensitive.”), chances are you’ve just received unhelpful invalidation.
Other forms of unhelpful invalidation include marginalization or systemic discrimination, where you are treated as an outsider or lack access to resources simply because of the appearance of your skin or other factors suggesting that you’re a member of a minority group. This type of invalidation is a major contributor to minority stress, which in turn can compromise your well-being, physical, and emotional health.
Another particularly problematic form of unhelpful invalidation is traumatic invalidation. Traumatic invalidation can involve neglect or disregard; a profound misreading or misunderstanding of your emotions, thoughts or needs, and being treated as an outsider or as unequal (as above), among other experiences. Often traumatic invalidation can result in feelings of insecurity, the sense of being excluded or an outsider, difficulty your own emotions or thoughts, challenges trusting others in relationships, and so forth.
Traumatic invalidation can result from a single, noteworthy experience or multiple experiences of being treated this way over time. I once worked with someone who recounted an experience of boating with their family as a child. They had never had swimming lessons, but after the boat launched, their family members directed them to swim back to the dock to pick something up, while the boat slowly proceeded away from the dock, faster than they could swim. It was a horrifying experience, and they described how they felt like their feelings, well-being, and even life were being treated as unimportant. Although they had experienced unhelpful invalidation in other ways, this event had a long-term influenced on how they viewed themselves and their relationships with family members.
We’ve all experienced unhelpful invalidation, whether traumatic or otherwise. The first step is to identify our experience as an example of unhelpful invalidation. I’ll discuss the next steps in my next blog. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.