In DBT, we think one contributor (not the only one, of course) to the development of borderline personality disorder and problems regulating emotions is a history of experiencing invalidation. Invalidation can take many forms, but the basic idea is that when somebody invalidates you, they are communicating that your emotional reactions, thoughts, or behaviours don’t make sense or are not effective. Not surprisingly, when people do this, it can be very upsetting! If you have ever told someone how you feel and they disregarded you, said you shouldn’t feel that way, or suggested that there’s something wrong with you, you know how painful and difficult this can be.
As with almost everything else in DBT, there are some skills to deal with invalidation. One of the first steps is to determine whether the invalidation is helpful or harmful. How can invalidation ever be helpful? Well, sometimes others might give us constructive feedback or criticism about our opinions, thoughts, or actions. I’ve been practicing martial arts for many years, but I’m always learning to improve my posture, body position, and skills. It’s hard to do that without constructive criticism or feedback from an instructor. I could think of this feedback as invalidating. After all, I’m doing my best and I’m pretty decent. Instead, I choose to view it as helpful and something I can learn from. At work, sometimes I have a strong opinion about something, but others have equally strong alternative opinions, and I often learn that I’ve overlooked something important or could consider the issue from another angle.
Consider another example: Let’s say that you misunderstood something that somebody said at a dinner party, assumed they were being mean to you, and replied in kind. Let’s say the person takes you aside later and says that they were really hurt by what you said, that you overreacted, and they never meant to be mean in the first place. As difficult as it might be to accept this feedback, this is probably an example of helpful invalidation. Helpful invalidation is something that you can learn from. At the dinner party, maybe what you learned is to avoid assumptions or speaking up before you fully understand the situation. In the future, this would be something to keep in mind.
When we experience helpful invalidation, often the best thing to do is to accept and be open to the feedback, validate our own emotional reactions to it (even helpful invalidation can be painful!), and do something to learn, improve, or solve the problem. In the case of relationships, sometimes solving the problem involves having an open and honest discussion about how to repair any relationship damage and move forward. When we get feedback about something we might have done wrong or overlooked at work, often the best path forward is to take it into account and plan to improve for next time.
Accepting and recognizing helpful invalidation is not easy. Most of us, to a certain extent, are sensitive to criticism. All things considered, we’d probably rather hear that we are doing something right than something wrong. We would also probably rather hear that our opinions and thoughts make sense. It takes courage and openness to accept feedback to the contrary and learn from it, yet this is a very important skills practice in life. Next time, I will discuss how to recognize unhelpful invalidation, and what to do about it. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.