Having two pre-teen children has made me think a lot these days about the idea of controlling versus letting go when it comes to other people. When our kids were younger, we had a tremendous amount of control over their daily schedule, self-care, preparations to leave the house, activities, food, and so on. We are still very involved in all of these things, and at the same time, things are in a state of flux regarding their desire for independence and ability to be independent and direct their own behaviour. The morning rush, in particular, brings all of this to the forefront. While we are in the kitchen preparing things for the day or sitting and having breakfast, we watch the clock as it ticks closer and closer to the time when the kids will inevitably be late for school if they don’t get out of their rooms and start eating breakfast and getting ready. For years, we have been using a strategy that is probably best summed as “nagging and reminding.” We’ve set timers, alarms, time limits, reminded them about things they need to do, and so forth. We’ve also instituted consequences if they get out of the house too late, miss and are late to school, etc. I would consider all of these efforts as measures to control their behaviour and prevent them from making mistake of being late to school. As a parent, it can be difficult to simply accept and tolerate the fact that our kids will make mistakes, sometimes the same mistakes over and over again. But, making mistakes is a normal part of the learning process. If we never have the latitude and freedom to make mistakes, it is very difficult to learn from our experience. In the case of kids, not being allowed to mess up deprives them of the opportunity to learn how to regulate their own behaviour and cope with mistakes and learn from them. So, I’ve been practicing a skill from DBT called radical acceptance. Radical acceptance involves the complete acceptance of reality as it is in this present moment. While I am relaxing in my chair, reading my book and eating my breakfast, I am also practicing radical acceptance that my son hasn’t left his room, and the bus is coming in 8 minutes or that he has just spent 45 minutes in the bathroom doing… I don’t really want to know what he was doing. I think that letting go requires the practice of radical acceptance. It might be useful to give thought to the ways in which we all try to control other people‘s behaviour, prevent them from making mistakes, give them rules to follow, and so on. Some of this is probably important, whereas in other cases, it probably represents our inability to let go when we need to. Sometimes, the sense of control fostered by these activities is illusory. As Marsha Linehan once put it, “The quickest way to lose control over someone is to try to control them.” (Linehan, 2015). ~ Alexander L. Chapman Ph.D., R.Psych.