A couple of weeks ago, I was out with some friends, and the conversation turned to the topic of love. Someone posed the question of whether you can accurately say that you love someone if you are doing things that hurt her or him (such as infidelity, etc.). Some people thought that loving someone is incompatible with hurting her or him – that, if you truly love someone, you should be aware of and take into account that person’s needs and wishes. Others thought that love is an emotional state rather than an action. Thus, it’s possible to feel love but still engage in actions that seem inconsistent with that emotion. Indeed, even when we love someone, we are still sometimes subject to the whims of our current mood, desires, wishes, and so on. I’m sure most people can think of times when they have acted selfishly toward someone they love. I’ve met many people who have deeply hurt people that they love. And, sometimes, the most loving thing to do is something that your loved one might not like (such as giving difficult but necessary critical feedback, pushing her or him to change harmful behaviour, and so on). So, is love an emotional state, a behaviour, both, or something else entirely? The phrase, “Dammit, Jim, I’m a psychologist, not a philosopher!” comes to mind (apologies to those who are less familiar with Star Trek). So, I don’t have an answer to that question.
What I can say, however, is that this discussion made me think of values and how they play out in our lives. Values, an important part of humanistic and existential treatments for decades, have recently gained some traction in cognitive behavioural treatments. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT; Hayes et al., 1999), for example, helps clients bring their behaviour in line with their values. The idea is that many of us expend great effort to reduce unwanted emotions, thoughts, or sensations; thus, our behaviour represents an attempt to feel more comfortable. Because we can never actually get rid of all the feelings we don’t like, this is a losing battle. Instead, using our core values (things that are important to us) as our map or compass, we can move forward in much more meaningful and positive directions. As another example, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT; Linehan, 1993a, 1993b, 2015) includes skills to help clients clarify their values and begin to take small steps to actualize these in their everyday lives.
So, what are values, and how do we incorporate them into our lives? Values are ideals or principles that are important to us. One of my values, for example, is to be a loving father. Another is to be a supportive and helpful mentor to my students. Values can never fully be realized. You can’t do one thing and then say, “OK, I’ve passed the test, I’m now a loving father, and I’m done. Onto other things.” You don’t accomplish values in the same way that you pass a test. Instead, values tell us what’s important to us and light the way on our path to a meaningful, happy, and fulfilling life. To get onto the path, it can help to start with the overall value and then get specific about what types of actions fit that value. If, for example, I have the value “loving father” in mind, some specific actions might be: attend my son’s sporting events, ask them how their day was (which, at ages 8 and 9, they don’t really like, but whatever), hug them and show affection, spend time with them, convey interest in what they’re interested in, etc. All of these seemingly minor actions can be connected to an overall value that has great importance to me. Keeping the value in mind can infuse these everyday actions with meaning and significance. As another example, as a professor, I often have to do all sorts of tasks to help my students, such as reviewing and editing their Master’s or Ph.D. theses, providing guidance or advice on academic and career issues, writing recommendation letters, giving difficult feedback when it’s needed, and so on. Sometimes, these tasks can seem mundane and might get in the way of other things that I need to do, such as when I have to write 10 recommendation letters in the space of a couple of weeks. If I remember, however, that writing these letters is connected to my overall value of being a supportive and helpful mentor, the task takes on greater meaning. I find that I’m happier to do it, and I enjoy it more. Circling back to that question from above, if we treat love as a value rather than an emotional state, we might find that our actions become kinder and more loving, and that we, our loved ones, and our relationships benefit greatly as a result. – Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych