On our street, if the weather is nice, most people sit outside in their backyards. In fact, it’s quite rare to see someone sitting out front – or at least it was until a couple of weeks ago, when I started doing it. We had some work done on our back patio right before a beautiful stretch of weather (several days of sun and temperatures rising to the low 20s Celsius). As I couldn’t sit out back, I decided that I’d drag my chair out front and sit on the landing at the bottom of our front steps, which is probably only about twenty feet from the sidewalk. I wasn’t going to miss out on the opportunity to relish the beautiful weather, hear the spring birds chirping, and watch our front garden bloom.
Despite my determination, because nobody else sits out front, I was a little anxious that I’d appear as some kind of spectacle out there on my chair as people walked by. I’m not usually someone who feels embarrassed too easily, but I did feel a little embarrassment when I first went out to sit in my chair. I also noticed that everyone else out front was doing work on their yards or houses, while I was relaxing with a book, coffee, or wine and cheese (I’m pretty good at relaxing!). I was definitely the odd man out.
I realized, though, that one of the best ways to overcome embarrassment is to do what you’re embarrassed about doing – an example of the skill of opposite action in DBT. Opposite action involves doing the opposite of what you feel like doing when you feel an emotion. Feeling a little embarrassed, I had the urge to only sit out for a short while, go back inside, or sit on my grass in the backyard. Instead, I decided to confidently perch myself outside with my book, snack, and coffee.
Opposite action works best when you do it fully and mindfully. Because my embarrassment had do do with how I’d be perceived by neighbours, if I did what my emotion was telling me to do, I’d probably avert my gaze and look at my book instead of making eye contact. Practicing opposite action, I decided instead to say hello and chat with the people walking by. My embarrassment quickly subsided when I noticed that people actually seemed happy to see me out there, often remarking that I had a great chair and a lovely spot to sit. I started to feel connected to my neighbours in a new way, which was especially nice given that my social contact has been pretty limited over the last year(because of the pandemic). People have commented to my wife that they enjoy seeing me sit out there when they’re walking their kids to school, and some folks have even asked if they could rent my chair/spot for their own purposes! This simple little experiment of sitting out in the front has made the neighbourhood feel like an even friendlier and happier place for me.
If I had let my trepidation and embarrassment run the show, I really would have missed out. Consider things that you might be missing out because of emotions that are holding you back. Connection with others is critically important during these trying times. Are there things you could be doing to connect that you’re avoiding? If so, my prescription this week is for a solid dose of opposite action. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.