One of the hardest times to practice the DBT skill of radical acceptance is when we’re dealing with people who seem to make our lives more difficult. Perhaps you have a loved one who does things that drive you crazy; doesn’t show the consideration or respect you’d like; asks for a lot; yells, criticizes or engages in difficult behaviour toward you; doesn’t take your needs or wishes into account, and so on. Assuming you care about this person and have decided to maintain a relationship with them, how can you use skills to maintain a relationship that works?
Well, that’s a big question, and I’m only really going to address one part of it – perhaps the first and most important step: Accepting that things are as they are. This is the DBT skill of radical acceptance – the complete acceptance of things as they are right now. Now, you might be thinking that radical acceptance is a tall order, or that it won’t fix anything. Why would you want to accept someone else’s difficult behaviour? Isn’t it better to find a way to get them to shape up or spend less time with them so you don’t have to deal with it? I would argue that accepting difficulties in life, including the actions of difficult people, is a critical first step before things can change.
In DBT, radical acceptance involves accepting things exactly as they are. You get a start with this by mindfully observing and describing the other person’s behaviour. For example, “My brother comes over for dinner, gets drunk, says he thinks COVID is a conspiracy, criticizes my parenting, and leaves his dirty dishes all over the house.” You could also describe how you feel when this person does these things, such as, “I feel frustrated and disappointed.” You could tell yourself, “I don’t like it, and I accept it, at least for now.” Radical acceptance can be that straightforward: Simply describing the thing you’re having a hard time with, along with how you feel about it, without any judgments (e.g., resist the urge to call your brother an ignorant, inconsiderate jerk!). It doesn’t have to be a monumental act of enlightenment (but it can be enlightening nonetheless).
Why bother radically accepting difficult (but loved) people in your life? There are many benefits of radical acceptance. Perhaps the most important ones are that this skill reduces suffering and helps you act more effectively and wisely. When you are frustrated and sad about someone else’s behaviour, and you refuse to accept it by ruminating about it, judging or completely avoiding the person, denying your feelings, or sinking into bitterness, you suffer. When you accept their behaviour as is, you might still feel frustrated and sad, but the suffering will go down.
I’ve had this experience, too. When I refuse to accept the behaviour of difficult people that I care about, I get stuck. I end up judging them, resenting and avoiding them, not being as nice as I usually am, and I start to see my relationship with them sink into bitterness. On the other hand, when I practice radical acceptance, I still feel sad and frustrated (in fact, I sometimes feel even more sad), but I notice that I feel more compassionate toward the person, and my actions are kinder and wiser. For example, I stop avoiding the person, am more willing to spend time with them and act in a loving and caring way. It’s not magic, though. I have found I have to keep turning my mind back to acceptance and continue to practice it when I go off track, which is often!
I know I’ve written lots in this blog about the benefits of mindfulness practice, but I have noticed that, when I consistently practice mindfulness (I usually do this in the morning and the evening), radical acceptance comes more easily. As Marsha Linehan (developer of DBT) has described, she in fact got the skill of radical acceptance from her experience with intensive mindfulness practice. Mindfulness, in many ways, is the ongoing practice of radical acceptance of everything that comes up – sore legs from sitting too long, the urge to move or scratch an itch, difficult emotions or thoughts that arise, and so on. This is probably why mindfulness practice sets me up to be “better” at radical acceptance. Practice makes… if not perfect, then at least a little easier! ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.