We’ve all heard the old adage that patience is a virtue, and this came to the forefront of my mind a little while ago while I was trying to learn something new. I was in my martial arts class, and I was attending some extra special training classes for those students who were up for an exam this year. Several of the students in my class were a couple of years ahead of me and were reviewing a particularly challenging pattern of movements with weapons. I know that I’m probably going to be tested on this pattern in the future, so I was glad that we were reviewing it in class. I wasn’t so glad, however, that I couldn’t seem to keep up and figure out what on earth the movements were! At the time, I felt pretty demoralized. I was wondering why I couldn’t keep up, whether I’m getting old, whether I’ve peaked and plateaued in my martial arts path, and so forth. It was very frustrating! It was only later, when I reflected on the fact that most of the students in class already knew the pattern and were simply reviewing it, and that I have some time before I need to be tested on it, that I started to have a little more patience. I had been approaching this class with a sense of urgency, like I really have to learn the pattern right away, and if I can’t, that means there’s something wrong.
This reminded me about some of the experiences of our clients when they start DBT skills groups. In our groups, clients can usually enter at any time, so some people in the room have been there for 6 to 12 months, and others are just getting started. DBT skills can seem kind of complicated at first, with lots of new lingo and acronyms to remember and new ways of managing emotions, relationships, and so on. It can be quite overwhelming, particularly if you are starting group during a stressful time.
As with learning anything new, I think it’s important to have patience with yourself and remember that learning takes time. DBT skills are basically a collection of sometimes entirely new ways of relating to oneself, one’s emotions, and others. If you’re starting a DBT skills group, you might be learning skills that run counter to what you have been doing for years. It’s going to take some time to not only learn the skills but incorporate them into your everyday life. There are probably going to be times when you feel demoralized, frustrated, confused, and so on. This is completely normal. Try to have patience with yourself, learn at your own pace, work hard and practice the skills as best you can, and ask for help when you need it. Well I left class thoroughly confused, I asked one of the instructors if there were any videos available so that I could work on stuff on my own, and I’m very glad I did. Sometimes, in therapy or other settings, people seem to think that asking for help is a sign of incompetence or weakness, but it’s important to remember the therapists, professors, instructors, and teachers, are all there to help you learn. When I teach clients new skills or when I teach a class for undergrad or grad students, I see it as my job to help them learn as best they can, and sometimes this involves offering extra help, suggestions, and advice. Try to view this learning process in therapy as one in which you are not alone, and a process that takes time, just as water takes time running over rocks to wear them down into smooth pebbles. Try to actively practice acceptance and patience with yourself. Patience may be a virtue, but I prefer to think of it as a skill that you can practice. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.