OK, so how do you make friends? Well, there are a couple of common misconceptions to dispel to keep in mind. I’ll address one of them this time around and the second one next time.
One common misconception is that “familiarity breeds contempt.” Have you ever heard that quote before? When it comes to connecting with people and building friendships, it turns out that the opposite is true. In DBT, we teach people that “proximity favours friendship.” If you want to connect with people, you have to be around them regularly. This has been very challenging during the pandemic, but with things opening up and restrictions lessening, there are more opportunities to be around people or groups of people that we would like to connect with.
I have noticed that I feel connected with and become fond of people that I see regularly. Even though I’m not friends with them, I feel connected with some of the people in the community that I see on a regular basis, including the checkout workers at my local grocery store (where I am glad they have not adopted electronic checkout), the people in the library, local coffee shops, and so on. I have found that, when I see the same people in these places on a regular basis, I start to look forward to seeing them – even if we don’t know each other very well. When I attend Zen meditation retreats, we’re not allowed to talk for most of the 4–5-day retreats, yet many of us end up feeing a sense of closeness to our other retreat-goers, even if they’re new that year. This is probably because we all see each other each day from early morning to late evening. In my martial arts classes, people who attend regularly become quite familiar, and when they’re absent, we all notice.
So, one important step in making new friends is to find a way to be around people that you might want to connect with. Join a class that interests you and includes a group of other people who at least share that interest, such as yoga, dancing, exercise, arts, music, sports, and so forth. If you’re in the office at work, spend some time in common areas where you are likely to see other people. In our psychology department up at SFU, one of those areas is where the espresso machine lives. We all love the espresso machine, and a nice side effect of that is that we get to see each other on a regular basis. Remember that familiarity does not breed contempt, and in fact, might breed liking. Place yourself in situations where you’re likely to see the same people on a regular basis. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.