I might have written about this in a previous blog, but I think it’s worth revisiting. Over the last year and a half or so, I believe many people have been grieving the loss of their beloved relatives and friends. The pandemic has shortened the lives of nearly 28,000 people in Canada and over 4.5 million worldwide. I think these large numbers we hear about belie the individual impact of, for example, losing one’s mother, father, sibling, grandparent, and so forth. Each loss affects many who knew or loved the person. Grieving has become all too common.
Grieving doesn’t always have to result from death, of course. Loss and grief can result from the loss of a relationship, sadness and disappointment over the loss of functioning or mobility (e.g., in the event of an accident or degenerative disease), challenges with mental health problems, and so forth. Although much has been written about grief and how to navigate the grieving process, I’m going to rely here primarily on my own experience and some of the wisdom I’ve learned from DBT skills.
In my experience, grieving can take many forms and comes with many different emotions. I’ve lost relatives (fortunately not during the pandemic), and in those cases, grieving has involved sadness, guilt over what I did or did not do while they were alive, and anger or frustration. I’ve often caught myself ruminating about the fact that I didn’t visit or call the person more often, attend to or honour the relationship in the way I think I should have, or say things that I wish I’d said before they passed. I remember telling my wife about this, and her wise advice was not to try to talk or think myself out of feeling guilty; just try to accept that guilt is a common and understandable reaction, experience it, and let it come and go. Same thing with sadness. Sometimes, it comes unexpectedly. You might think you’ve “processed” the loss, and then you’re sitting in a meeting at work, and you feel a sudden wave of rather inconvenient sadness. I’ve found it helps to give myself a breather to experience it, mindfully notice the physical sensations of sadness, and try to refocus on what I’m doing.
Seeking support can also help tremendously. I have the tendency not to seek support or help when I need it. Maybe that’s because I’ve gotten so used to being a person that others seek support or help from. I’ve found it helpful to remind myself to talk to others about what I’m going through, whether it’s grieving the loss of a loved one, grief or sadness about challenges with our kids, and so on.
Although, to a certain extent, I think people need to feel like they can talk to someone in such a way that anything goes, I have found it helpful to try to mindfully seek support. When I get caught up in venting or rumination about things for too long, talking with someone actually brings my mood down. Instead, if I let myself vent a bit but then really focus on my immediate emotional experience (sadness, guilt, etc.), and describe it, I usually end up suffering a little less.
It can also help to let your support person know what kind of help you need. Check in with and ask yourself if you just need someone to listen to you supportively, or if you are seeking more concrete suggestions or advice. If your support person is veering off course, let them know gently what kind of support you need, or even let them know before you start the conversation. If you know the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, you might be aware of the DEAR MAN skills. You can use those to briefly Describe the situation (“I’ve been thinking a lot about XXX.”), Express how you feel (“I feel sad and guilty and am having a hard time with it.”), Assert/ask for what you want (“I really need someone to talk to, just to listen right now.”). There are other steps (you might be wondering where the heck the “R” and “MAN” are!), but I think these are most relevant to times when you’re seeking support for grief.
Remember, there’s no single “grieving process” that everyone goes through. Whatever your process is, that’s what’s normal for you, and probably for many others. Start by practicing radical acceptance of your emotions and thoughts about what you’re going through, mindfully observe your reactions without trying to suppress, escape or avoid them, and reach out and stay connected with others. These steps might sound simple when summarized here, but remember, that grieving can be complicated and unpredictable. While you probably won’t be able to get rid of your pain, you might suffer a little less if you try out some of these steps. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych