In my last blog, I discussed the value of specifically identifying and describing your emotions. Doing so can help you better understand how you’re feeling, what to do about it, and what to say to others. Today, I’m going to focus more on that last part: What to say to others.
I’ve often heard people use a variety of phrases to communicate their discomfort about what other people say and do, such as, “I don’t love it,” “I feel invalidated,” “I feel triggered,” and so forth. Although all of these phrases follow the common sense rule of using “I” statements (owning your own feelings rather than blaming others for how you feel), they’re all missing something: Specificity. When someone says, for example, “I feel triggered” or “I found that very triggering,” what do they actually mean? They could be using the word “trigger” to describe a whole host of different experiences. Perhaps they mean that they have had past trauma, the current situation reminds their brain of traumatic events, and they’re feeling afraid or anxious. Perhaps they mean they’re feeling angry, frustrated, or sad. It’s hard to know, and if people don’t know how you feel, they might not be able to help you or correct their behaviour in a way that works for you.
Instead of general or nonspecific words, I strongly recommend describing to others the specific emotions you’re experiencing. This is the “E” in the interpersonal effectiveness DEAR MAN skills that we teach in DBT. Instead of saying, “I feel triggered,” step back and observe your emotional experiences. Try to figure out what you’re feeling, and then communicate it specifically to the person you’re talking with.
As an example, I normally wake up earlier than everyone else in my home, have my breakfast, empty the dishwasher, take the recycling to the bin in the garage, etc. I do these things so other people don’t have to wake up to a mess, and so my wife doesn’t have to tackle these tasks on top of mobilizing the kids to get to school on time. Recently, I was told that I made too much noise putting the dishes in the dishwasher early one morning. I felt a mix of emotions – guilt for waking people up, frustration and sadness for being criticized when I was just trying to be helpful, and so on. After I stepped back and tried to get a good sense of what else I was feeling, I realized that the main or primary emotion was sadness. I decided to say, “When you told me I was too noisy, I felt guilty for waking people up, but also sad, as I was just trying to help out.” With all of that on the table, we could figure out what might work better for all of us next time.
My example is just a minor daily hassle (rest assured, I have way bigger fish to fry, as I’m sure many of you do!), but being specific about your emotions can be even more crucial when someone is acting in a way that you find extremely upsetting. Instead of saying that you feel triggered or using some other nonspecific term, check in with yourself, figure out what the most important emotion to convey might be, and then describe it specifically, clearly, and non-judgmentally.
One final tip is that it sometimes works best to describe “softer” rather than “harder” emotions. Softer emotions are ones that represent more vulnerability (and are sometimes harder to communicate as a result), such as sadness, embarrassment, guilt, shame, anxiety, fear, etc. “Harder” emotions usually fall within the anger spectrum, such as frustration, anger, irritation, rage, and so forth. If you’re feeling angry and sad, for example, this means you might emphasize the sadness, as in the example above. Communicating anger can be very effective, necessary, and helpful at times, and it requires a lot of finesse. If you are skilled at communicating harder emotions, things can go well. If you’re not, people can become alarmed and defensive. This is probably because it can be hard to see past someone’s expressions of anger and avoid getting into conflict- or fight-mode. Often, expressing softer emotions, in contrast, can elicit empathy or compassion. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych