Over the holiday season and since then, I’ve been doing a lot of crossword and sudoku puzzles. I suppose this started for a couple of reasons. I craved the mental stimulation that I normally get from work, and we began to get the daily paper again (we missed reading a physical paper and wanted to support the local paper). I quite enjoy doing these puzzles, particularly when I notice I’m improving, getting quicker, tackling more challenging puzzles, etc.
At times, however, I feel completely stumped. I look at the crossword and have no clue which word fits. I try to triangulate the correct word by looking at other rows and columns and seeing if there’s an easier clue to solve that would shed light on the one I’m struggling with. Sometimes, I just put it aside and leave it on the coffee table for the rest of the day. In the evening or the next day, assuming I haven’t given up in disgust and recycled the paper, I sometimes find myself saying, “Oh for crying out loud!” It has all somehow become crystal clear. I get on a roll, filling in word after word, wondering why I ever had such a hard time with it in the first place. I think this experience can be a lot like making progress on anything, whether it’s learning an instrument, a new language, a sport or some other physical activity, or learning new ways to relate to yourself and the world through therapy.
In therapy in particular, it can sometimes seem confusing as to how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. How is, for example, increasing your engagement in positive activities going to help if your mood still feels miserable? How will you figure out a way to improve your relationships, find relationships, or learn to be OK with being alone sometimes? How is the weekly work you do in therapy going to help you overcome fears, learn to stop addictive behaviour, or build a more fulfilling life? Sometimes, you might be stumped and wonder where you’re going or whether you can even get there. At other times, things might seem a lot clearer, and you can see the path forward and how it all fits together.
When you’re worried, discouraged, stumped, or puzzled, I think it can help to step back from the situation for a bit. Try to notice how you’re feeling and describe to yourself the sadness or frustration (or other emotions) that you’re experiencing. Be compassionate with yourself. Tell yourself it’s understandable that you feel this way. It’s OK to feel stuck and confused sometimes. Give your emotions a little time, and then mindfully engage in some other activity. Give yourself a purposeful, mindful, mental break from worry and discouragement. You can always come back to it later, and when you do, you might find that the pieces seem to fit together much more easily.
Another helpful strategy, when you’re not sure things are on track in therapy, is to check back in with your values. Values are principles to live by – things that are important to you. In DBT, we teach clients to accumulate positive experiences, and one way to do that is to act in accordance with your values. If you have the value of helping others, then you might find ways to do that in small ways each day. If you have the value of allyship or supporting marginalized people, you might seek opportunities to learn, listen, be present, and actively work against marginalization. If you value being fit and healthy, you might find ways to eat in a balanced way and incorporate more exercise into your daily routine. When you engage in actions that fit your values, your life will start to feel more fulfilling and meaningful. The answers to the puzzle will become clearer, because those answers come directly from what’s most important to you. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.