I’ve been thinking about the experience of irony recently. One ironic thing that happened to me was that I completely forgot to do a land/territory acknowledgement when I was giving a workshop to a group of people on Zoom. I think I was so focused on the workshop, getting started, etc., that it slipped my mind. Why is this ironic? Well, I recently discovered that my maternal grandfather was Metis! Another day, I was talking to a friend about his experiences with his son. My friend is a psychologist who specializes in a certain area of clinical psychology. The irony was that, as a teen and young adult, his child (who is now a well-functioning adult) had the very same problems he specializes in. I remember him saying, “It was just ridiculous,” and we had a good laugh about it.
We all probably experience many ironies in our daily lives. Definitions of “irony” usually suggest circumstances that are the opposite of what we might expect and have amusing qualities. Irony, as such, can straddle the territory between tragedy and humour. I find it interesting that irony, even when it’s unexpected in a stressful manner, also has an amusing or humorous aspect. People often remark that “so-and-so” has a dark sense of humour, but what if humour is almost always dark? When babies first laugh, it’s usually because something unexpected and surprising has occurred (the parent’s head pops up from behind the couch, or someone uncovers their face and makes a surprising expression, etc.). The baby first appears surprised and probably perceives some danger. Noticing, that the situation is safe (it’s just Mommy or Daddy), starts laughing. If you watch carefully, you’ll probably notice that the laughing almost has the quality of a reflexive, knee-jerk response.
Humour, in this way, seems to contain danger or surprise. If you watch comedy shows, you might notice that people tend to laugh the most when the comedian has made an unexpected/surprising comment or discussed a regular, everyday event in an unexpected way, in terms of demeanor, voice tone, body language, or words. Keeping this element of surprise in mind, amusement might be one way that our brain copes with novel or unexpected situations. Something unusual happens, such as you’re walking down the street and suddenly see someone dressed like a banana, and all of a sudden, you’re paying attention, trying to make sense of it, and feeling a sense of amusement, which could help dampen your stress response.
Irony and humour capture our attention, too. They prompt us to be mindful of what’s happening in the present moment. When Marsha Linehan developed DBT, she realized that it was critical to help clients stay engaged and pay attention to the present moment. She also realized that clients often became stuck in a rut, thinking about the same things in the same way (e.g., thinking bad things about themselves over and over, engaging in black and white thinking, thinking that nothing will change, etc.). One way around this was to use the therapy style we refer to as “irreverence.”
Irreverence often involves saying unexpected things or using humour in therapy. Marsha’s classic example of this is as follows: A client says they’re going to kill themselves, and Marsha says, “Dear, I thought we agreed you weren’t going to quit therapy.” The implication being that, if you are dead, you’re out of therapy. My son was good at irreverence from a young age. When he and his grandfather once saw a dead bug on the sidewalk, my son remarked, “That bug is dead.” His grandfather said, “Nothing ever really dies; it just changes into something else.” My son said, “Yeah, it changes into something that’s dead.”
When you hear something irreverent, you probably stop and pay attention to what was just said and the person who just said it. You might experience a little amusement, just as you would if something humorous, unusual, or ironic just occurred. You might also be a little more open to a new perspective on things. If you’re in DBT, you might notice that your therapist sometimes says unexpected things and is a little more likely to have a deadpan, matter-of-fact, or humorous style, than other therapists. This is not meant to be a way to manipulate you into doing or thinking something different; it’s more of an in-the-moment response to what you’re saying or doing. Indeed, when therapists plan to be irreverent, they often fail. Irreverence often comes out of the interaction between you and your therapist. If you notice your therapist doing this kind of thing, consider being open to it. Give it some space, and see if you can learn from it. Remember, too, that new therapists often have a hard time learning the skill of irreverence. If your therapist’s delivery is not quite on point, or they’re off base, gently correct them or describe how you feel about the remark. Use it as an opportunity to learn from each other. I think the most beneficial thing about humour, irony, and irreverence, is that they can all open us up to different perspectives and help us learn new things. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.