I was recently thinking about a quote I read several years ago. It goes something like this: “Holding onto resentment is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone. You’re the one who gets burned.” I’m sure that’s not it verbatim, but that’s the idea. I recently heard someone else say that harbouring resentment is like thinking you’re poisoning someone else, but you’re the one drinking the poison. In any case, I’m sure the point is pretty clear: Holding onto resentment often leads to unintended harm to ourselves.
Yet, it’s perfectly natural to harbour resentment from time to time. If someone says or does something that seems mean-spirited, it’s awfully hard to just let it go and move on. We all have probably experienced mistreatment and been stuck with our frustration and hurt, wondering what to do, and feeling bitter toward the person or people who mistreated us. If grasping the hot coal of resentment isn’t the answer, what can we do about this?
Well, a good starting point is to step back and notice how you’re responding to the other person’s actions. Mindfully observe your emotions, your action urges (in DBT, these are what we feel like doing when we feel an emotion), and your body sensations. Try to notice any thoughts that go through your mind, interpretations of the situation or the other person’s behaviour, judgments of them or yourself, and so forth. Before you figure out what to do, it’s important to carefully survey the landscape of your own reactions to the situation. Otherwise, you might start charging ahead, only to get tripped up and stuck by a big cactus, or fall into a pit.
You can also ask yourself, “What is it about this person’s behaviour that bothers me so much?” I think it can help to ask if there’s something threatening about this person’s behaviour. In the DBT skill of checking the facts, we often have people ask themselves, “What’s the threat?” If, for example, the person spoke to you with harsh words, the threat might be that they will continue to treat you this way, that it will be terrible, or that you won’t be able to cope with it. Maybe ask yourself if the threats are realistic. Is it likely that this person will continue to mistreat you? If they do, will it be really painful? Will you really have a hard time coping with it?
Maybe some of the answers to these questions are “yes.” If that’s so, you might need to plan ahead for how to cope with this person, or you might need to use interpersonal effectiveness skills to speak to them, ask them to treat you differently, or discuss and somehow resolve things.
Some of the answers might be “no.” You might discover that you actually can cope with some pretty stressful things. Maybe you’ve been through similar or even more difficult situations in the past. If you’ve gotten through those, you can probably get through this. That doesn’t mean you want to. You might still need to find a way to address the mistreatment, but at least you’ll know that you can handle it if it occurs again.
If you realize that resolving things is unlikely, you might also decide to gently avoid the person who engages in this behaviour. This is one way to practice the DBT skill of opposite action. Don’t spend as much time with them, look for opportunities to gently avoid interacting with them, whether it be in person, over email, text, etc. If they continue to interact with you in unpleasant ways, ignore it and give yourself a break from the person. Don’t go off in a huff; just gently and tactfully avoid them. Balance things out by spending more time with people who are supportive and kind.
Another strategy is to try to understand the world from the other person’s perspective. I was recently reading the book, “Lucy by the Sea” by Elizabeth Strout, and one of the characters said something like, “You’re thinking like yourself again.” When we are annoyed with someone else, we’re probably thinking like ourselves; we’re seeing things from our own perspective. What about seeing things from the other person’s perspective? Why might they have engaged in such negative behaviour? What might they be thinking or feeling? Is there something about their history that led to the actions that are driving you crazy? Trying to think like the other person, like gently avoiding is another example of the skill of opposite action. This doesn’t mean you approve of their behaviour, but you might at least start to understand it. You might also find that you feel a little less resentful of things you understand than things you don’t understand.
What if you catch yourself holding onto resentment? Well, one step to take is to notice that you’re doing so. What does the resentment feel like? How can you tell you’re holding onto it? Ask yourself whether it’s serving you in some way to hold onto resentment. Maybe it’s validating; after all, the person might have been pretty mean. Maybe it makes you feel a little better temporarily. That said, harbouring resentment probably won’t help in the long-run. Think about the downsides to harbouring resentment. Then see if you can notice resentful or bitter thoughts and sensations. Step back as if you’re standing on the beach and watch them as they rise and fall like waves on the ocean. If you catch yourself ruminating about the situation or the other person, tell yourself, “I’m doing it again” and focus your attention on something else for a little while.
There will be no shortage of opportunities to practice these steps and skills. Difficult people engaging in difficult behaviour are everywhere! ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.