My wife came to me the other evening and said, “I feel bad. I just feel bad!” I wanted to be supportive, and I empathized with her and gave her a hug, but I also needed to know a bit more before I could be really helpful. Specifically, I needed to know what kind of “bad” we were dealing with. Was it anxiety, frustration, sadness, agitation, or something else? Similarly, when I train clinicians in how to do DBT or CBT, I tell them that it’s very important to be specific. This is because different treatment strategies and coping skills work for different situations, thoughts, and emotions. Without specific information on what the client is thinking, feeling, doing, or the context in which all of this is happening, it is hard to be helpful. The situation is akin to going to your doctor with a vague complaint of pain and receiving treatment without any further assessment. Your pain could be anything from a muscle spasm to a tumour, and if your doctor doesn’t try to figure out exactly what it is, you might end up with the wrong treatment.
When you learn new ways to understand and cope with stress or difficult emotions or situations, it is helpful to be specific with yourself. As a good start, when you are under stress, try to see if you can identify what specific emotions you’re experiencing. If you’re having trouble putting a name to your emotion, you can start by trying to figure out how the emotion feels, what thoughts are going through your mind, and what the emotion is making you feel like doing.
In terms of how you feel, do you notice any changes in your muscle tension, body temperature, level of energy, or other sensations? Sometimes, physical sensations can give you clues about which emotions you’re feeling.
Other clues might come from thoughts going through your mind. If, for example, you notice that you’re worrying about bad things that might happen, you could be feeling anxiety. If you’re thinking a lot about how someone has treated you unfairly or has undesirable characteristics (e.g., “That jerk!”) and so on, you might be feeling anger or frustration. Other emotions can be related to thoughts about loss (sadness), things you wish you hadn’t said or done (guilt, shame, or embarrassment), and so forth.
Emotions also come along with the desire to do something. Sometimes you might feel like being aggressive or loud (anger), withdrawing or seeking support (sadness), or escaping/leaving (anxiety or fear).
Try to get specific about your emotions. Knowing what you’re dealing with is a huge step toward figuring out what coping skill or strategy might help. Some research has even suggested that simply naming your emotion might help to calm activity in the areas of the brain that become active when you feel strong emotions. I’ve also found that stepping back, figuring out, and naming my emotions helps me interact more effectively with others I’m upset. Instead of just acting on my emotion, I can put some space between my emotions and actions, describe how I’m feeling to the other person, and figure out where to go from there. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych