One important skill that we teach in DBT is called radical acceptance. This skill involves the complete acceptance of reality as it is. Sounds pretty easy and straightforward, right? Of course not. Radical acceptance can be among the most difficult skills to learn and practice.
Even the word “accept” or the concept of “acceptance” can be challenging for many people, particularly those who have experienced immense suffering or mistreatment. The idea of simply accepting intensely painful events, emotions, sensations (e.g., such as physical pain, illness, etc.), might come across as supremely invalidating. It can be hard to accept radical acceptance!
Although I’ve been practicing and teaching this skill for many years, I sometimes have that experience. When I get the idea that someone wants me to just accept incredibly painful circumstances or experiences, it sometimes feels like they couldn’t possibly understand what I’m going through. If they did, they wouldn’t imply that I just need to accept it. Why don’t they try living through the same stuff and just accepting it!?
When the thing you’re trying to accept is huge, complex, and painful, it’s a tall order to just accept it all. I usually suggest that people start with stepping back and viewing the big picture of the situation. What situations or experiences are you having a hard time accepting? It’s helpful to step back and observe and describe the situation and maybe even write a few sentences about it, to make it clearer and more concrete. Next, describe the thoughts and emotions you’re having about the situation right now. Which ones are you having a hard time tolerating or accepting? Write those down as well.
After viewing the different puzzle pieces of what you’re dealing with, it can help to determine where to start. If it’s too overwhelming to start with the entirety of the difficult circumstances (past or present), pick an aspect of the situation, a thought, sensation, or emotion you’re having a hard time with. Practice accepting those smaller pieces of the puzzle. You might practice accepting a thought going through your mind, a strong and uncomfortable sensation of some kind, or an emotion that you’re having a hard time with. You might accept that you can’t change it right now (but you might be able to later). Whatever you decide to focus on, make it small and manageable for now.
The simplest way to practice radical acceptance is to mindfully observe and describe the thing you’re having a hard time accepting. As an example, the other day, I was very surprised and frustrated when I heard that a professional had rescinded a commitment to help one of my relatives. What’s more, this person provided no explanation or any suggestions on how else our relative could get help. I was surprised, frustrated, and had many judgmental thoughts about this person. Although I probably didn’t cope with the situation beautifully, I did find it helpful to start by accepting the bodily sensations of my anger and frustration. I sat back and observed the wave of frustration, the muscle tension, sensation of heat in my face, increased intensity of my heartbeat, etc., for a few minutes. Once I did that, I realized that I needed to practice skills to take the edge off how I was feeling (such as paced breathing and distraction, which we also teach in DBT). Otherwise, I’d probably do or say something I’d later regret. So, acceptance opened the door to other effective skills.
What can you expect when you do this? Well, different people have different experiences. In my experience, when I really practice radical acceptance, usually emotions like resentment, anger, and frustration diminish. Other emotions like sadness often increase, at least temporarily. I also notice that I feel a little more capable of handling the situation. When I’m lucky, I might even feel a greater sense of peace. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.