At various points in my life, I’ve had to deal with some pretty challenging people. Perhaps they’ve been (in my mind at least) stubborn, inflexible, unwilling to consider my perspective on things or to be more considerate. Other folks have engaged in behaviour that I find unacceptable or at least unnecessary, like threatening or acting aggressively or in a hostile manner. What can we do when we have to interact with people who do these kinds of things?
Well, in DBT, we have this idea of dialectics – basically, the balancing of opposites. The opposites in DBT are acceptance and change. When it comes to difficult people, you can accept them for who they are and what they’re doing. You can also try to change the way they treat you. These two approaches would seem to be opposite. On the one hand, you’re accepting things the way they are, and on the other hand, you’re trying to change things. I think it takes a little of both to deal effectively with challenging people.
On the acceptance side of things, I find it helpful to step back in my mind and try to accept what’s happening and how I’m feeling and thinking about it. If someone, for example, says something mean to me, before reacting, I might step back in my mind, mindfully observe what’s happening (such as, “This person just said XXX to me.”) and my reactions to it (such as, “I feel tense, irritated, and disappointed.”). If you have read my previous blog about radical acceptance or know something about DBT mindfulness skills, these steps will seem familiar to you. The idea is to mindfully observe, acknowledge, and accept the way things are – at least for now. Doing so can help reduce your suffering.
To make this approach even more effective, I might try to understand where the person is coming from. Why might this person be acting this way to me, in this particular situation? Is there something that this person is afraid of or stressed out about? Why do they feel so strongly about me or what I’m doing or saying? Often when people act aggressively, it’s because something about the situation is threatening to them. Perhaps I’ve said something that has raised worries or fears of some kind. Maybe it somehow makes sense that they’re acting this way, even if I don’t like it. Sometimes when I do this, I find that I feel a little less upset with the person and a little more understanding. I’m also a little more willing to respond more gently and with some interest in their perspective.
On the change side of things, there are many things we can do to try to change how people treat us. I’m going to focus on one strategy in particular: reinforcement. Reinforcement can be a tricky idea to understand, but it’s basically the idea that we’re more likely to keep doing things when there’s something in it for us to do those things. When we get paid, we’re more likely to keep going to work. When we say “hello” to someone, if they great us with a smile, we’re probably more likely to say “hello” again in the future. If we win money at a casino, we’re more likely to go back to that casino.
To use reinforcement to deal with challenging people, we have to understand what reinforces challenging behaviour. What’s the reinforcement for angry or threatening behaviour? What could possibly be in it for people to engage in these kind of actions? Well, often angry or threatening behaviour actually serves a purpose: You either end up doing what the person wants, or the person gets a reaction out of you.
One trick in dealing with some challenging people is to avoid reacting to their angry or threatening behaviour. We call this strategy, “ignoring attacks” in the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills (Linehan, 2015). By ignoring attacks, you’re taking away the reinforcement for aggressive behaviour. Over time, the challenging person might learn that they won’t get what they want from you by acting aggressively.
Instead, when you notice them being polite, kind, courteous, or gentle, that’s the time to react in kind. Look for times when the challenging person is being kind and try to reinforce kind behaviour. You don’t have to do whatever they want you to do, but you can at least great kindness with kindness. You basically want to teach the person how to treat you. When they’re aggressive, they don’t get anything from you, but when they’re kind, they at least get kindness in return. Over time, they might learn that they get more flies with honey than vinegar. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.