I once heard Dr. Marsha Linehan (founder of DBT) say to one of her patients that some people are good at controlling their behaviour internally (through will and self-discipline), whereas others need some outside help. Outside help includes help from others or from our environment. Many people, for example, have a very hard time sticking to an exercise routine. A common solution is to enlist a friend or family member to exercise with, join a group, or sign up for scheduled classes. All of these strategies make use of other people. It can be hard to ditch your exercise routine when doing so inconveniences a friend. It’s also a lot easier to exercise when you have the support and encouragement (and possibly some good, old-fashioned nagging) of that friend. Similarly, people are a lot more likely to change their behaviour if they’ve made a public commitment (a verbal commitment to an individual or group of people) than if they’ve kept their intention to change private. This is why it can be helpful to publicly commit to family or friends that you, for example, are planning to stop smoking, drink less alcohol, exercise more, reduce stress, and so forth. I recently made a public commitment to some colleagues that I will spend more time engaging in leisure activities. I had noticed over the past few months that my lack of downtime has begun to take a toll. As I may have mentioned in a previous blog, I’ve periodically had to work on resurrecting the lazy high school student within me. Daily life as a parent, busy professor and psychologist, and so forth can be incredibly busy, filled with goal-oriented pursuits. There is little time to sit around and read a book, watch TV, and so on. So, even though I am generally pretty good at deciding to do things and just doing them, I wanted to maximize my chances of success by using my network of colleague to help me get started. Some people (sometimes myself included) have the attitude that it’s unnecessary or inappropriate to enlist the help of others in our own efforts to change behaviour. Others believe they don’t deserve others’ assistance, or that they are too “needy.” Indeed, it can be harmful to rely too much on a particular friend, therapist, or group of people. There is always the risk that too much contact or too many requests for assistance and support will burn these people out. This is why it can help to think about how you balance help and support seeking in your relationships. One way to do this is to consider several factors before asking others for assistance. In the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, some of these factors include timeliness (Is this a good time to ask for help?), capability (Is the person able to help me?), reciprocity (Do I give as much as I get in this relationship?), among many others. Quickly running through and considering these factors can reduce the chances that you will over-rely on any particular support person or group. It can also help to check in with people from time to time regarding whether you’re over-using their help. That said, avoid living according to the rule that you have to do everything completely independently through sheer force of will. We are all interconnected in some way, and recognizing this can help us all come together to improve our lives. ~ Alexander L Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.