So, I was sitting in my local public library yesterday getting some writing done and quite enjoying the quiet, positive, community atmosphere. I often find it a little easier at some point in the day to try to work at the library or coffee shop, as it feels like I’m out in the world and not locked in my office. One thing I really enjoyed was seeing kids who are interested in books and families taking an afternoon trip to the library, and so on. It’s also nice way to feel connected with my local community. Lately, when I have been writing, I have been trying to give myself 25 minute periods. I read about this method somewhere (I think it’s called the Pomodoro method), and I have found that I am a lot more productive in those 25 minutes than I am when I give myself much longer to work, probably because there’s sort of a deadline. Also, I get less fatigued than I used to when I tried to write for hours at a time. I was happily and contentedly sitting at my favourite spot using this productive approach to writing, when all of a sudden, I heard the most hideous sound of a preschool aged kid having a tantrum. He was relentless, and it went on for nearly 20 minutes. The cries and screeches felt like they were knives piercing my brain. I did my best to practice what I preach and used mindfulness skills to really focus on my writing, and for the most part, I was successful. I also found that I had to practice distress tolerance, particularly when my frustration started to bubble up, and I had all sorts of thoughts about why the child wasn’t being removed from the library, which is supposed to be a quiet place, and contrary sympathetic thoughts toward the mother, as many of us parents have been there in one way or another. As an aside, however, we were lucky when our kids were young, as they always seemed to have some kind of healthy degree of self-consciousness that prevented them from totally flipping out in public.
Nevertheless, as I was using all of these skills to stay in the zone with my writing, the loud voice of an older woman suddenly erupted. She exclaimed, “Get the child out of the library! This is supposed to be a quiet place for people to read! Then, I heard her say directly to the child, “I’m tired of listening to your screaming and yelling! Look at all of these other nice kids quietly doing their thing. Go!” Despite my empathy for the mother, I must admit that one of my first thoughts was that this woman was awesome. I have always had the urge to do what she did but never would. Shortly thereafter, someone walked up to her, and she said “Oh, I understand, I’ll keep quiet.” I’m guessing that she felt a little embarrassed about her outburst; however, others went up to her afterwards and praised her for bravely doing what they probably felt like doing themselves.
Although I felt great relief when the child promptly quieted down and was whisked out of the library, I’m going to stay neutral with regard to whether this is the thing to do in these types of situations. I will say, however, that tolerating other peoples’ distressing behaviour and using skills to regulate emotions and stay focused is often the more difficult path. In some ways, it’s much easier just to yell, tell someone to cut it out, and so on. And, those strategies often work in the short-term. The child was probably shocked and afraid that an older woman was yelling at him, and that’s probably why he didn’t make a sound. In the long run, however, the difficult path may have more benefits, just as using coping skills to avoid drinking, binge eating, and other harmful behaviours is hard to do and has major long-term benefits.
Given how unpleasant it was to sit there listening to that child yesterday, I feel like my coping skills got a good weight lifting session. That’s another way to think about it. Whenever we use skills to tolerate difficult situations, we are engaging in strength training for our skills. Everyday life presents us with many opportunities to do this kind of strength training. Perhaps consider looking for these opportunities, and notice them when they arise. Rather than taking the easier, short-term path, consider bearing with things for a little bit, practice skills to tolerate the situation (or solve the problem, if you can). Maybe you’re waiting in line longer than you want to, or driving or walking more slowly behind someone than you want to, or maybe someone you’re in a confined space with smells, or you have an itch you want to scratch, and so on. Try to see these small things as opportunities to get some strength training for your distress tolerance skills. You might find that, if you get a lot of practice with these smaller things, you will be strong enough to deal with the bigger ones. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.