Several months ago, we got a new car. This was our first vehicle with any kind of navigation system, cameras and alerts that beep when you get too close to things, and the ability to connect our phone to the car’s infotainment screen, and so forth. Before we got this car, I was kind of against the reverse cameras, neurotic beeping, and so on. I went to Young Drivers of Canada 34 years ago, after all, and I think I’m a pretty good driver. I’m quite capable of reversing without a camera and avoiding slaughtering wayward pedestrians.
Even so, for the first few months, we became enamoured with having the Apple Maps app on our car’s screen and getting guidance on the quickest route from one place to another. Most of the time, we were driving to familiar places, but this system was especially helpful when we were driving someplace we hadn’t gone or had only visited rarely. I started to become a convert and felt like I had to input my destination whenever I went anywhere. Why would I want to take a route of my own choosing when there’s a much quicker, less traffic-ridden alternative? I started to notice, however, that when we used our navigation system to go to unfamiliar places, we took a long time to learn how to get to those places without it. We just blindly listened to (or watched) the system tell us where to turn and when. As a result, I think our brains went on automatic pilot, focusing on things other than where we were actually going.
So, what on earth does this have to do with collaboration? Well, when working with (or raising) teenagers, one of the things people learn pretty quickly is that, if you aren’t collaborative, you’re dead in the water. Teenagers are going through all sort of developmental changes, have strong, adult-like emotional reactions without well-developed frontal lobes (which would ordinarily modulate these emotions and the often dramatic actions that accompany them). They are learning to be more self-sufficient and make decisions in an increasingly complex social world.
If you’ve ever spent any time with teenagers, you have probably felt the urge to tell them what to do from time to time. When they don’t keep up with their homework, fail to engage in what seem to be basic hygiene activities (like showering or brushing their teeth regularly), or do things that are risky or alarming, I know I feel like just telling them what they need to do differently. Turns out, that doesn’t work too well, and not just because teens often push back and do the opposite of what we want them to do.
I think a non-collaborative approach also doesn’t allow teens the opportunity to learn from their own experiences. Just like listening to Siri tell us where to drive, if we simply tell youth what to do, why, and how, will they really learn what they need to be able to navigate things? Collaboration takes a lot more effort but probably helps people learn better. Instead of relying on Siri, if we team up with our passenger to figure out how to get from Point A to Point B (hopefully with some kind of basic map), we’re more likely to learn and remember the route. Moreover, we might learn something more: We might learn how to learn to navigate.
Similarly, having collaborative discussion with teens about how to solve problems, address stress, avoid harmful behaviours, and so forth, might help them learn how to navigate these problems when they need to. Furthermore, collaboration and acting as if you’re in a team or partnership can enhance your relationship with your teen. As professionals and parents, we’ve learned that sometimes the best you can do is try to maintain a strong relationship and take reasonable steps to keep your teens safe. Everything else is just bells and whistles, much like our fancy infotainment screen. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.