“Those who know the sorrows other lives have known never walk alone.” Henry van Dyke, Autumn in the Garden
I first read this quote in grade 10 or 11, when my high school religion teacher (I went to a private Catholic boys school) focused a semester on our interpretation of various quotes. At the time, I had an interest in becoming a psychologist, but I had no idea what was involved in this kind of career. Since then, I’m afraid I’ve probably learned more about what I don’t know than I have about how to help people (that said, I have still learned a lot about how to help people!). One of the things I’ve learned from my clients is that, when you struggle with mental health problems, loved ones often have a hard time understanding why it’s so hard to recover. In a recent group, we had a very interesting discussion of this issue. Loved ones who have never struggled with mental health concerns (or even those that have) often have the view that their friend, relative, or partner should be able to recover more quickly than is realistic. They often believe that treatment should work within a few weeks, or that a brief stay in an inpatient or residential facility should “fix” their loved one. In reality, changing your life is tremendously hard work. Recovery from mental health problems (as someone I have worked with has pointed out) is not exactly like building muscles, learning an athletic skill, or learning math. Although recovery does involve consistent hard work like all of these other pursuits, the road to recovery from mental health problems is often much bumpier and more unpredictable. You might feel like you’ve made great strides one week (or day/hour) only to feel like you’re right back where you started (or a few steps back) the next week. Life events, difficult interactions with others, illness, and so on, can also impede progress. Sometimes, you might hit a roadblock and have no idea how it happened. Perhaps everything seemed to be going just fine, and you still began to slide back into depression or jump back into a manic episode, and so on. Perhaps the most important thing for loved ones to know is that progress with mental health problems is not as smooth, easy, or quick as we would all like it to be. Another important thing for loved ones to know is that, just because you’re having a hard time recovering doesn’t mean you’re not trying. You could be putting effort into coping with life every single day, and sometimes, you’re still barely keeping your head above water. For those watching from the side of the pool, you don’t seem to be moving or swimming, but you know that you’re frantically treading water. More on this topic next time. – Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.