I think we’ve all been dissatisfied or frustrated with the behaviour of another person, and then acted in a way that was hurtful to the other person or not good for our relationship with them. I can certainly think of times when I lost sight of my relationship with the other person, said what was on my mind in the heat of the moment, and then later regretted it. I also see this a lot in professional settings. People sometimes express their opinions or needs in such a forceful way that I suspect they’ve lost sight of the fact that they are communicating with other human beings!
When we review DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, one of the first things we teach our clients is that there are three different priorities in any interpersonal situation: objectives, relationship priorities, and self-respect.
Objectives have to do with what you want or need. Perhaps you want that person to stop treating you in a particular way, to engage in behaviours that are more considerate of your wishes and needs, or to provide a particular type of support. You might also simply want to have the opportunity to express your opinions and for the other person to listen to you. To clarify your objectives, ask yourself what you want from the other person. Then, be specific. You might want them to be more “respectful”, which is a reasonable goal, but it could mean ten different things to ten different people. Specifically describe what “respectful” might look like, and you’ll have an attainable objective.
Relationship priorities have to do with how you want your interaction with the other person to influence your relationship with them. How do you want the other person to feel after you speak with them about what you want and need? Ideally, when we express our wants and needs, we will do so in a way that enhances (or at least doesn’t harm) the relationship. It would be great if having a heart-to-heart talk with someone about how their behaviour bothers brings you closer together. It doesn’t always work out that way, of course! I think it’s more likely to work out that way, however, if we consider our relationship goals ahead of time. When people pursue their objectives and lose sight of their relationship with the other person, the resulting behaviour can be upsetting and even harmful.
When it comes to relationship priorities, I often find it helpful to ask myself what my short- and long-term goals are. My short-term goals might be for the other person to stop some kind of unpleasant behavior (e.g., criticizing, yelling, etc.), and my long-term goals might be to maintain a strong relationship with them. Judging, criticizing, or threatening the person might help with the short-term goals but is likely to erode the relationship in the long-term.
Self-respect has to do with how we want to feel about ourselves during or after our interaction with someone else. Common self-respect goals are to feel like we are standing up for ourselves, prioritizing what’s important to us, and considering both our needs and those of the other person. Perhaps you want to feel a sense of pride or empowerment for standing up for yourself and taking your needs seriously. At the same time, you might want to ensure that you’re taking the other person’s needs seriously. Most of us probably feel best about expressing our needs when we also consider and take the other person’s needs and perspective into account.
Clarifying these three types of priorities can help prepare us to interact more effectively with other people, get our needs met, and maintain balance in relationships. When we walk into a tough situation without awareness of our goals, we might be less effective. I often tell trainees and clients: if you don’t know where you want to go, you’re likely to end up wherever you’re headed!
~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.