For many people, one of the most challenging things in life is having to deal with conflict, arguments, and difficult interactions with other people. Some people fear and avoid conflict at all costs, whereas others plunge right into it. Some people have anger management problems and regularly say things that they regret. Other people really have no idea what to do when someone is yelling at or criticizing them. In DBT, we teach people interpersonal skills that can help them get their goals met, enhance their relationships, and learn how to say no to things. We also teach some key skills and how to manage conflict.
One skill that can help tremendously in dealing with arguments and conflict is to stay mindfully focused on your goals and values. Much of the time, conflict seems to happen when we stray from our values or goals onto some other path. We might, for example, have started the conversation by asking our roommate or partner to remember to clean up after her or himself, but then we end the conversation in a heated argument. How does this happen? Well, for a lot of people, conversations go astray or become heated when we start responding to criticisms, attacks, unpleasant looks, or negative voice tones. Perhaps your roommate started criticizing you about how you don’t clean up after yourself, had a hostile voice tone or got defensive. Now, all of a sudden, you’re responding to how the person is coming across and the criticisms the person is hurling towards you, rather than staying focused on your initial goal, which was simply to ask the person to clean up after him or herself. Staying focused on your goal is not easy. You might have to ignore some of the looks, criticisms, and attacks that are coming your way from someone else. This is the skill in DBT that we call ignoring attacks. Ignoring attacks can help you stay focused on what you want or need. Instead of responding in a similarly critical or hostile manner, ignoring attacks essentially involves acting as if the other person is acting in a reasonable way, and calmly coming back to your main point. People often engage in attacking behavior because it works for them in some way. It might work by helping them blow off steam, diverting the conversation to some other topic, getting a reaction out of you, etc. When you ignore attacks, the attacking behaviour often stops working. And, when behaviour stops working, eventually it stops happening.
That said, there are some attacks that you can’t ignore. Don’t ignore emotionally abusive behavior, physical threats, or anything indicating that you might be in danger. In that case, the best strategy is to ensure your own safety, possibly by getting out of the situation in a safe way. -Alexander L. Chapman, PhD, R.Psych., Wednesday, March 3, 2015.