There’s a story in DBT about a fellow whose garden is inundated with dandelions. He wants to have a nice, grassy lawn, but try as he might, he can’t get rid of the dandelions. Eventually, after trying everything, he receives some sage advice, that he “learn to love the dandelions.” You can hear this story, very well told, by Dr. Shireen Rizvi on YouTube:
I first heard this story years ago, when having a house and a lawn was just a distant dream, but it eventually became quite relevant to our lives. We moved into our current home several years ago and finally had a backyard. Our lawn was in pretty good shape, although I don’t think the previous owners did much to maintain it. We had two young boys, and I was incredibly busy with work, travel, and so forth. Being far too preoccupied and busy to give the lawn a second thought and not knowing anything about lawn care, we just took for granted that we’d always have grass in the backyard. As the years passed, our neglect began to bear fruit: weeds, dandelions, bare patches at the top of the lawn, and less and less grass. The lawn turned into a swamp in our wet, west coast wet winters and looked like a desert at the end of the summer. And yes, there were dandelions. Lots of them.
When we realized we had to do something to maintain a usable lawn (we wanted the kids to be able to play out there, and my wife and I enjoy playing badminton in the backyard), we started to work on it. We had new soil put in, reseeded the lawn, and started to water it regularly. Things started to improve, but it was an uphill battle – quite literally, as part of our yard is on a bit of a slope. We also tried many strategies to rid ourselves of the dandelions, largely to no avail.
Remembering the dandelion story, and being a DBT therapist, I knew that the best thing to do was probably to radically accept the dandelions and maybe learn to love them. Radical acceptance involves the complete acceptance of reality as it is. Radically accepting experiences thoughts, emotions, events, and memories can help reduce our suffering. I’ve noticed that, for me, suffering comes when I refuse to accept reality and get caught in resentment and bitterness. So, with the dandelions, as with other things in life, I’ve been practicing radical acceptance.
Somewhere along the way, I was listening to the radio, and a gardening expert was talking about all of the benefits of having a biologically diverse lawn. She specifically mentioned that dandelions can actually enhance the health of a lawn by drawing nutrients into and aerating the soil, among other benefits. Also, of course, bees like them, and bees need all the help they can get these days.
I started to think about how radical acceptance can work even better when we know more about the situation or thing we’re trying to accept. If I’m just accepting the appearance of dandelions in my lawn and my worries that they’ll ruin my grass, that’s one thing; it can be helpful. On the other hand, if I know more about dandelions, including their characteristics, costs and benefits, I can accept the whole situation much more completely.
Similarly, let’s say you have someone in your life who is difficult. Perhaps they treat you with disrespect, and you feel angry, hurt, or bitter. Maybe you avoid them, say things you regret to or about them, and so on. We’ve all been there. You’ve decided to try to radically accept that this person is the way they are so that you can suffer a little less. In doing so, it can be helpful to try to understand as much as possible about the person you’re trying to accept. Why do they have the opinions or perspectives that they have? Why might they be treating you the way they are? What kind of life do they have, or have they had? Is there anything understandable about their actions, even as they drive you crazy? Knowing more can help you accept the whole person as they are, making your efforts at radical acceptance more complete and effective.
Radically accepting that someone is driving you crazy doesn’t mean you can’t try to change things. Maybe it is best for you to spend less time with them, talk with them about how they’re treating you, spend time with others who are kinder to you, or make efforts to repair the relationship. Once you radically accept the complete situation, the doors to meaningful change will start to open. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.