In a couple of previous blogs, I discussed the DBT secondary targets of inhibited grieving and unrelenting crisis. Here, I begin to discuss another couple of secondary targets: apparent competence versus active passivity. Apparent competence is when you seem more capable, emotionally put together, stable, and competent than you are. Because you seem to be okay, others don’t realize how much you’re suffering or how much help you need. As a result, you can end up alone dealing with your problems or feeling disconnected or alienated from other people. Some people suffering from mental health problems show apparent competence because they’re incredibly smart and capable in certain situations, such as with schoolwork, at their jobs, or in hobbies or volunteer activities. At home, when they’re dealing with their family or loved ones, they essentially fall apart. I’ve worked with very smart and capable people who have excelled academically but were barely able to navigate personal hygiene, organize themselves to get dressed or eat, and so forth. This is what we call “contextual competence,” meaning that you’re capable in some situations but not others. In other cases, people appear more competent than they are because there’s a disconnect between how they present to others and how they’re feeling or functioning. Someone, for example, who is severely depressed and barely treading water in life might seem okay to others if she puts on a “happy face.” Some people I’ve worked with have done this to avoid being a “downer,” with the idea being that, if they expressed how they really felt, they’d make others miserable, and nobody would want to spend time with them. Over time, putting on a happy face is exhausting, spending time with others starts to seem like a major chore, and they often start to avoid people, which compounds the depression.
So, how do you get out of the trap of apparent competence? Well, ideally, if you have a very astute therapist who notices this pattern, she or he can help you work through it. If not, there are a couple of strategies to consider. First, think about whether you’re accurately expressing how you feel and what you need with trusted loved ones or confidants. If there’s a disconnect between how you’re functioning or feeling and how you present, even to those closest to you, consider opening up to those people and asking for help and support. They probably won’t know that you need help (let alone the kind of help you need) unless you communicate clearly with them. Explain what you’re going through, and tell them how they can be of help. Sometimes, all you might need is someone to listen supportively. At other times, perhaps you need advice. Be clear that you need help and what kind of help you need. Second, consider whether you do really well in one area of life and not so well in others. If so, you might need to learn new coping skills or ways to deal with situations in which you have the most trouble. Perhaps you do well at school, but you are socially anxious, avoid fellow classmates, and wish you had more close friends. If that’s the case, take steps to work on your social anxiety, perhaps by seeking help from a therapist. Maybe you are a wonderful support to your friends and family, but you have great difficulty with the interpersonal dynamics at work. If so, figure out where your stuck points are, seek help, and try to get this barrier out of your way. It’s not as simple as I’m making it sound. This is really hard work, but even taking inventory of your own apparent competence is a big, important step in the right direction. ~ Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.