I have a rather unusual pet peeve – not just one, but this is the one that comes to mind today. I often receive emails with requests to schedule a meeting. When they’re not using Doodle or some other scheduling application, people send a list of possible dates to meet. Or, I might receive a message with a series of dates on which standing meetings occur, such as committee meetings, etc. I would say that, over 90% of the time, these emails include dates but not days of the week. So then I have to either calculate in my head the days of the week that fit the proposed dates, or I have to look up those days on the calendar. This irks me to no end.
Why does it bother me so much, when I would probably have to look at my calendar anyway to figure out whether I’m available? Well, I usually have a pretty set schedule for what I do on different workdays. If I know which day someone wants to meet (such as a Wednesday, when I’m booked in the mornings), I can quickly determine whether I’m available. If they only give me a date, then I have to do a bunch of mental gymnastics or go to the effort of looking at my calendar, etc. Some might argue that the mental gymnastics is good for me: it might keep me sharp mentally as I get older. Others might argue that it’s not that big of a deal to look at my calendar and figure out which day goes with which date. To these people, I would say that I can think of many ways to stay mentally sharp that I would enjoy a lot more. Also, if I were to count up the minutes of my life spent trying to match dates with days, they would probably add up to the equivalent of a vacation day. I can tell you, I would much rather take a day off than look up days and dates!
Others might say that, at least I’m alive and able to do these annoying little tasks. Perhaps from a mindfulness perspective, there really is no difference between doing annoying little tasks and doing things that we like to do. Preferring, liking, wanting, enjoying, etc., are somewhat irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, and being too attached to what we want or like can lead to suffering. I used to tell my sons that wanting is irrelevant. It never really worked. They just ended up wanting me to stop saying it!
Getting too attached to our wants and preferences, though, can lead to unnecessary suffering. Yesterday, I was standing in the pouring rain waiting for a bus that never came – or at least not until the next scheduled bus. At first, I suffered because I was pretty attached to getting on that bus (and to my appointment) on time. Then I realized that being so attached to something that’s not happening wasn’t doing me any good. I tried to make the most of it by getting stuff done while waiting for the bus, and yes I was annoyed when the next bus was late, but it was tolerable.
When I’m in my “wise mind” (as we say in DBT), I ask myself whether being attached to my preference is effective in this moment. If not, then I try to let go and allow things to be as they are. In the bus situation, this doesn’t mean I just accepted I was going to be late for my appointment. Instead, I accepted that I was running behind, got off the bus a few stops later, took an Uber and got to my appointment just in time. Of course, the person I was meeting with was running late!
Consider asking yourself whether being attached to what you want or prefer is doing you any good. Is it effective to be attached to this or that state of affairs. If not, then consider practicing radical acceptance of things as they are in this moment; you can always change them in the next moment. And if you ever try to schedule a meeting with me, please for heaven’s sake, tell me the day of the week and not just the date! ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.