Continuing my discussion of secondary targets in DBT, I’m going to focus today on active passivity. Active passivity is kind of on the other end of the continuum as apparent competence. As discussed last time, apparent competence is where you appear more competent and capable than you are; thus, people don’t recognize your suffering or need for help.
In contrast, with active passivity, you are active in seeking help from others but passive in helping yourself. When it comes to taking care of yourself, your emotional needs, or things that need to get done (help getting to appointments, fixing problems around your home, talking to other people, etc.), you have a very hard time. You might want to help yourself, but you don’t have confidence or skills you need, are afraid or anxious, or feel more comfortable and less alone when others help you. It might also seem to you that, if people help you, this is a sign that they care. As a result, you don’t do things for yourself that you could do. Instead, you actively recruit others to help you. In a small way, this reminds me of what I sometimes do when I’m on a hike with my family. If my water is buried deep in my backpack, and I don’t want to go to the trouble of taking it off, digging into the backpack and getting the water out, I’ll ask someone to help. It seems like it should be easier for them, as they just have to zip open the backpack from behind me, and take out the water. Inevitably, however, it ends up being even more trouble for the person helping me than it would be for me to do it myself. Stuff spills out of the backpack, the water is hard to reach, and I have to do a major back bend so the person can get stuff out. Still, I’m very active in recruiting help with the water yet very passive in getting it myself. Active passivity is also like sitting on your hands while asking someone to help you stand up.
There are a couple of key problems with active passivity. First, over time, you can start to feel anxious and incapable of helping yourself, and you might start to view yourself as impaired or unable to do things. If you don’t do things you need to do and over-rely on others, you send the message to your brain that you’re unable to do things. Over time, you might start taking that message to heart and believe that you’re not a very capable person. Second, active passivity puts a lot of pressure on other people to do things for you. Your friends, loved ones, and even treatment providers might find themselves doing way more for you than they would for other people. Over time, this can lead to resentment and burnout. They might be more reluctant to help you, and you might find yourself upping the ante by asking more intensely or even threatening or stonewalling to get people to do what you need. In short, active passivity is bad for your self-esteem and relationships.
Although there’s no easy fix for active passivity, there are a few things you can do to start to break free from this pattern. First, try to be realistic about what you can do. Check the facts, so to speak, and if you have the urge to ask someone to do something you’re capable of doing, try to resist that urge. Start small with less significant tasks (even just having someone pass you something, get you a glass of water, and so on), and move up to more significant tasks. Second, think things through before you ask for help. In DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills, we teach people to think about several factors before they decide to use their assertiveness skills to ask for something. Some of these factors include timing (Is this a good time for the other person?), the nature of your relationship (Is my request appropriate to the type of relationship I have with this person?), whether the person can do what you are asking, whether the request is important for a short- or long-term goal, whether you do as much for them as they do for you, whether asking the person will enhance your self-respect, among others (see Linehan, 2015). Considering all of these factors will help you avoid burning out your loved ones. Third, try to move toward active problem solving. When you see a problem that needs to be fixed, be active and take steps to fix it. If it seems daunting, break it down into small steps, and just focus on each step. Figure out when you really need help (we all need help, and none of us is completely independent, nor is it desirable to be so), and try to strike a good balance between doing things for yourself and asking others for help. ~ Alexander Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.