The recent, tragic events in Syria have certainly put my day to day problems and hassles into perspective. I feel incredibly lucky to be living in a relatively safe and prosperous country, in an area where the chance that the horrors people experience in other parts of the world will occur here are vanishingly small. It’s not always easy to attain or maintain this perspective when we become mired in the stresses and hassles of daily life. A couple of the skills we teach clients in DBT relate to this issue: counting blessings and comparisons.
Counting blessings may sound like your grandmother’s advice or admonishments at the dinner table when you refused to eat that gristly steak as a child (What about the starving children?!). As a skill, counting blessings is usually most helpful when you feel envious of other people. Envy is a very interesting emotion that arises when another person or group has something important to you (e.g., money, power, fame, relationships) that you don’t have. Envy kind of feels a bit like jealousy but is often more tinged with resentment and even anger toward those who have what you feel you want or need. As a result, counting blessings can be a helpful way to remind yourself of what you actually do have. If you can feel grateful for what you have, the fact that others have more can feel more tolerable.
Comparisons is a skill in the distress tolerance section of the DBT skills (Linehan, 2015) and is used to help us tolerate difficult situations. You can use this skill in lots of ways: (a) compare your situation to that of people who are less fortunate, (b) compare your current situation to a time when your circumstances were worse, (c) compare your situation to a hypothetically worse situation, and so forth. The idea is not to dismiss or invalidate your feelings about your current situation. Your distress is perfectly understandable and shouldn’t be minimized. That said, considering others who may be in more pain or anguish can give us some perspective on our suffering. If I’m frustrated because I have a lot of work stress and feel overwhelmed with things to do and challenges to face, it does help a bit to sit back and reflect on the fact that I’m not living in a war-torn country. Things could be much, much worse. If you use the skill of comparisons in this way, watch out for the following thought, “Well, that means I don’t deserve or shouldn’t feel this upset.” Don’t invalidate your feelings. Use the skill to gain perspective, and then see if your situation feels slightly more bearable. ~ Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.