When I was younger, I really disliked being told what to do or how to do it. I wasn’t oppositional (maybe my parents would disagree), but I also didn’t respond too well to authority. I sort of wanted to be in charge (at least of myself), even though I didn’t really know what that meant. Now, I am in charge, and I no longer have any authority problems! That said, I have developed a respect for the necessity of formality. I recently returned from a Zen mindfulness retreat. During this retreat, there are several rules about conduct. You are supposed to bow when you enter and leave the meditation room. You are supposed to remain silent, look down and avoid eye contact with others (in order to avoid distracting them from their meditation practice), get up from dinner only after everyone in the room is done, and so on. There are many rules and procedures to get used to. After many years, these rules and procedures have become so automatic that I don’t even think of them during the retreat – that is, until I see someone break them! And, believe me, people do break the rules. Another place where rules, structure, and formality play a big role is in martial arts. We bow when we enter the studio, avoid talking out of turn, call everyone “Sir” or “Ma’am,” maintain good form and posture, show respect for fellow students and instructors, and so on. Some people have a hard time with this and can’t even imagine calling someone “Sir” or bowing to anyone. Even so, in both the retreat setting and the martial arts studio, I’ve noticed that the formality (while it takes some getting used to) creates an atmosphere of respect and social harmony and helps people focus on what they’re there to do. People generally know what to expect, and human beings generally find predictability to be reassuring. In these settings, we also have to learn how to stop ourselves from doing things that transgress the norms and rules. This can be good practice at self-regulation – the ability to direct our own behaviour. Of course, we all know of the downsides of rigid formality, deference to authority, and so on. Indeed, horrors have occurred when people have blindly followed rules and authority. Also, some people find that formality and rules stifle creativity and free expression. But, in environments characterized by trust and humanitarian values, I believe there is some value to structure, rules, and formality. This can work at home, too. Most of us have probably had the experience where we find ourselves speaking to close loved ones in a manner that we’d never use with a boss or coworker. Somehow, we lose the social formality of respectful behaviour when we interact with loved ones. This happens to our children, too, when they fail to say “please,” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and so on. While extreme formality is not necessary with close loved ones, respectful behaviour can create harmony and improve relationships and self-respect. In DBT, we teach interpersonal effectiveness skills aimed at maintaining/enhancing relationships while getting needs met in a manner that is respectful to others and maintains self-respect. Some of the skills focused on self-respect involve being fair to yourself and others, avoiding over-apologizing, sticking to values, and being truthful. Skills to maintain or enhance relationships include being gentle, showing interest in the other person, validating the other person’s perspective, and using an easy manner. While it might seem like unnecessary work to try to use skills and social formalities involving respect and politeness, I believe that doing so nearly always leads to appreciation and contributes to harmonious relationships. Consider areas where you might have fallen off the wagon with respectful behaviour toward close loved ones, and look for ways to infuse relationships with mutual respect. – Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.