Many people we see struggle with loneliness. Sometimes, they’re alone more often than they would like. At other times, they feel lonely regardless of whether they’re around other people. Yet another challenge is that people sometimes go to great lengths to avoid loneliness. Despite the pervasiveness of loneliness as a complaint among people seeking help for psychological difficulties, and indeed among many of us in the broader community, very little work has been done to better understand loneliness and how to help people with it.
One starting point would be to define loneliness. Is it a feeling? Is it a thinking pattern? Is it a mix of both? Or, is it a fact? Dictionary definitions of loneliness tend to emphasize a sense of sadness, a reaction to loss or isolation, etc. My personal opinion is that loneliness is usually combination of emotions and thoughts. A person could, for example, feel sad without feeling lonely if she or he had no thoughts of being disconnected or isolated from others. If, however, sadness comes along with thoughts of being isolated, alone, etc., then the experience might be a lot more like loneliness. On the other hand, some situations might naturally lead to a sense of loneliness, such as being stranded alone in the wilderness or having no friends or loved ones. It’s probably not necessary to think that you’re alone if you are in these situation. Many of us would probably feel lonely regardless of what we are thinking. That said, how we think about being alone probably influences how horrible the experience actually is. Being a parent and busy professional, I am rarely alone in my home or office. When I am alone, I experience it as a positive thing. I might think, “Finally, I’m alone!” If I construed being alone differently, such as, “This is horrible. I can’t take this,” I would probably feel quite lonely, and it would be miserable. That’s not to say that, if you struggle with loneliness, it’s all in your head. If, however, thinking plays a role in how we experience loneliness, strategies to change thinking patterns might help. ~Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.