We live in a society known for apologizing. There is a stereotype of Canadians being apologetic about all sorts of things. We apologize if we bump into someone on the bus, if we make a loud noise in the kitchen, if we say no to something someone is asking us to do, if we can’t get something done on time, if we don’t like something, and so on.
In many cases, these apologies are expected and may be necessary. If, for example, you were to step on someone’s bare toe on the skytrain, an apology is probably necessary. But, is it sufficient? What if you apologized but kept standing on the person’s toe? Most of us would probably agree that an apology would not be sufficient. You really need to get off that person’s toe. If we take this idea and apply it to other situations, we might also discover that apologies are often necessary and often insufficient. Let’s say I said something (in anger) that was very hurtful to another person. After I cooled off, perhaps I realized the error of my ways and felt guilty. Would an apology be sufficient in this situation? It might be. It’s likely that the other person would feel a little better after receiving the apology, provided that it was genuine. But, the apology itself does not repair the damage caused by the hurtful comments. In this example, much like the example of stepping on someone’s toe, something else might be required to repair the damage. Perhaps I could apologize and then explain how I will avoid doing the same thing the future. Another option could involve trying to make up for it by being especially kind and working to earn back the person’s trust. Yet another option would be to ask the other person what she or he would need in order to feel better about the situation.
It might be that, despite my efforts to apologize and repair the situation, the other person is simply not ready to forgive me or to move on. This can be really hard to tolerate. Many of us really like closure and being forgiven for our mistakes. If it seems like someone else has not yet recovered from something that we have done, it might feel like we are living in limbo and uncertainty. How you manage that limbo and uncertainty can make a big difference to your well being and that if your relationships. I’ve worked with people who have managed by repeatedly apologizing and trying to make amends, sometimes for years. From what I’ve observed, this often keeps guilt alive and leads to resentment and frustration. One way out of this trap is to reflect on what you’ve done, whether you have apologized and made amends sufficiently, and make a wise decision about where to go from here. Perhaps get advice from someone else who can look at the situation objectively. If you’re in this situation, the wisest decision might be to stop apologizing and repeatedly trying to make amends. Unless what you did was really extreme or abusive, you probably don’t have to keep atoning for it for years to come. Another wise decision might be to practice accepting that the other person has not yet forgiven you or gotten past the event. If you are on the other side of the situation, it might be wise to practice accepting that you haven’t forgiven the other person despite her or his efforts to apologize and repair the relationship. A little more on interpersonal skills and apologies next time. Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych.