I was recently discussing the issue of attachment with my DBT group. People think of the word “attachment” in many different ways. Sometimes, attachment means your interpersonal attachment to other people, or your love for someone or something, and at other times, it simply means you’re physically attached to something. From the perspective of mindfulness, attachment is akin to clinging or holding onto something, often clinging or holding onto the way we want things to be. We’re all quite used to doing what we can to get what we want and need. Wants and needs are, indeed, an important part of life. What if you didn’t want or need to be treated with respect or dignity, or to be supported or helped during difficult times? It would be hard to say that the people of Fort MacMurray in Alberta shouldn’t want to have their homes back. What if you never wanted or felt like you needed food or water? Clearly, this would be a problem.
Having wants and needs is not a problem. Sometimes, however, being attached to those wants and needs can be a problem. As a parent, I’m often reminded of this fact. Sometimes, I want more time alone, more time to read, more enjoyable, less kid-friendly meals, a quiet house, and so on. It’s OK for me to want these things, but when I get attached to what I want, I have a very hard time accepting things being different from the way I want them to be. If I’m attached to sitting on my chair and reading, but I need to make dinner or take care of the kids, these activities can be challenging. I’d have to admit that a little resentment sometimes creeps in. When I let go of my attachment to what I want, that unpleasant quality of resentment or non-acceptance seems to lighten a bit. I might not stop wanting to sit and read, but letting go of attachment means I don’t desperately have to have what I want. I’m not clinging to a reality that doesn’t exist or isn’t effective (sometimes, things need to get done, and it’s not effective to sit and read while those things don’t get done). That’s what letting go of attachment is all about: Letting go of having to have what you want, so you can live with your wants and be at some degree of peace with what you don’t have.
This can be a fundamental shift for many of us. Many of us want to feel happy and calm; to not feel angry, resentful, sad, or ashamed; to be treated in particular ways by other people; to have a certain amount of money; to look a particular way; to be more fit; to get revenge for a perceived wrongdoing, and the list goes on. Some of these goals are attainable, and others are not. Some goals, if attained (such as revenge, in particular), are not even healthy or useful. Work toward useful goals – goals that are consistent with your values and will enhance your own well-being and that of others in the long-run. At the same time, even working toward valued goals can be incredibly stressful if you’re completely attached to the outcome. This is probably because the outcome is not immediately present in our work toward the goal. If my goal is to finish writing a book, and I’m totally attached to that goal, the plodding, long-term, every day act of writing that book will be painful. If, however, I set aside my attachment to finishing the book, I am much more capable of throwing myself into the everyday process of writing. Work toward what you want while letting go of attachment or clinging to what you want. Once you do that, you might find that the act of working toward your goals becomes purified, in a manner of speaking. Consider this excerpt from S. Suzuki’s Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind (Suzuki, 1970):
“Which is more important… to make a million dollars, or to enjoy your life in your effort, little by little, even thought it is impossible to make that million; to be successful, or to find some meaning in your effort to be successful?”
-Alexander L. Chapman, Ph.D., R.Psych